Setting boundaries is an important skill for all people. It is often a skill we tend to lose when we have been suffering. A lack of, loose, or unhealthy boundaries tend to reveal the absence of a strong identity, you know, like we keep saying, we have lost ourselves. Some people might never have really learned to set boundaries. Others, like me, may have learned that boundaries are bad, conflating the ideas of ultimatums and boundaries. Which is why I talked about the importance of boundaries in my last post.
Unhealthy boundaries cause emotional pain that can lead to dependency, depression, anxiety, and even stress-induced physical illness, and or pain. A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home unlocked: anyone, including unwelcome guests, can enter at will. On the other hand, having too rigid boundaries can lead to isolation, like living in a locked-up castle surrounded by a mote. No one can get in, and you can’t get out.
If we really want to improve our lives and live, not just exist. This is a skill that is very needed. Healthy boundaries can be the difference between a healthy, happy life and a toxic, pained, and dysfunctional one. Healthy boundaries are essential to a healthy sense of self. Boundaries help us to feel safe, and secure.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
Individuals who lack appropriate boundaries often struggle with telling others how they feel (for fear of rejection or ridicule), struggle with feeling burdened by how others perceive them (due to a desire to people please), strive to make everyone happy with their performance (at work, in school, at home, etc.), and tend to stay in negative relationships (for fear of not finding someone else to love). It’s very easy to identify when we have either little to no boundaries in our relationships because we begin to feel trapped, overwhelmed, or manipulated. I often tell clients the moment they feel trapped or manipulated in a relationship is often the very moment in which they are lacking appropriate boundaries. This is the moment when we need to re-assess where we stand in relation to another person.
Unhealthy Boundaries are characterized by:
- Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life
- Feeling responsible for others’ happiness.
- Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment.
- Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.
- Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants.
7 signs of poor boundaries
You are an open book:
One really big red flag to look out for is someone who is very open with their life. It is a fact that some people are simply unable to navigate the social arena appropriately and may not know how much information to share. Individuals who have poor emotional intelligence and attachment problems often share way too much information, way too soon, or fail to share enough information for others to understand them. The foundation of this could be fear. I have worked with adolescents who are very open and tend to share almost every detail of their life for fear of being characterized as “shy” or “distant.” Sharing everything is not necessary to connect with others or have healthy relationships. But individuals who struggle with interpersonal relationships do not recognize this. Re-invent the wheel. Start over and re-adjust your boundaries where you need to.
You feel someone is walking all over you:
Sometimes we have our guard completely down just because we are either tired in general (and off guard) or simply tired of being guarded all the time with others. Whatever the case, some emotionally unintelligent people will take this as a sign of weakness and attempt to manipulate you, harm you, or take from you in some way. I’m sure you have heard people say “don’t take my kindness as a weakness.” Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people who just don’t get you and cannot appreciate your kindness. You owe them nothing, don’t stick around and be manipulated.
You feel you have lost your voice:
This is somewhat similar to #2 but the only difference here is that you have lost so much of your identity or independence in the relationship that you have no ability to stand up for yourself, re-assert yourself in a powerful way, or change things. It might be helpful to find a way to utilize your stronger attributes. For example, if you are good at designing things, find ways to use your talents and strengths. If you are really knowledgeable about politics, highlight your strengths here and have a conversation. Show yourself and others that you have great attributes and you want others to respect them. Find a way to utilize your strengths and things will fall into place.
No one listens to you:
Everyone runs all over you literally and figuratively. You just feel invisible. Some people exhibit a certain level of self-esteem that sets the stage for others to feel they have the right to run over them. This, again, is not your fault. It is the fault of the emotionally unintelligent person who lacks social skills and understanding. In coaching sessions, I have engaged my clients in brainstorming ways to re-assert themselves in their social arena and one thing that has seemed to help is the ability to re-align boundaries. By this I mean figure out where your boundaries may be too fluid or weakened, try to strengthen them.
For example, if you have a medical professional who talks all over you in conversation, you may find it useful to stop them and say “I was talking, may I please finish what I was saying?” Sometimes we have to show our firmer side to gain respect.
You are suffering from a depressed mood or anxiety:
When a person feels his or her social interactions are off balance, everything else in life is too. As stated in previous articles, we are interconnected as humans and when our relationships are suffering, we do too. If you are feeling depressed or anxious because of previous attachment difficulties, poor emotional intelligence, or other social challenges, it’s okay to seek a therapist who can help you explore why your interactions with others affect you so much and how to change things. Sometimes we simply cannot navigate our worlds on our own.
People use you or you feel used:
Some people will use you no matter what and never feel guilty. Manipulators seek people to use for their benefit in some way. They have learned how to flatter you, give you what you want with the goal of taking it back later, or placate you. The moment you feel you have been used, you probably have. Don’t ignore that red flag feeling and seek to be wiser next time.
You just feel awful:
Sometimes we can feel bad about ourselves because something in our communication with others isn’t right. Previously I experienced this often thought out my life. I was often envied and bullied by others, and I never understood why. Why anyone would envy me for any reason? I realized on my journey to healing my pain that my level of confidence and self-esteem was affected by my fear of insulting, harming, or making someone else feel a certain way. My identity was somewhat built on how others would interact with me. With more life experience, I realized that I didn’t need to internalize others’ opinions of me. I had a choice! I chose to believe they don’t know me, and move on. Moving on greatly improved how I felt about myself!
Things that keep our boundaries unhealthy
Reasons for Unhealthy Boundaries
It seems obvious that no one would want his/her boundaries violated. So why do we allow it? Why do we NOT enforce or uphold our boundaries? I explore this question with many of my clients, and here are the most common answers. Do you see yourself here?
- FEAR of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment.
- GUILT.
- We were not taught healthy boundaries.
- FEAR of confrontation.
- Safety Concerns
Types of Boundaries
There are four types of boundaries we can have. It’s important to evaluate them all to see where you might need to reevaluate and shore up the fences. There is often one we are excellent at, one we are weak on, and usually one or two we don’t even think about!
Physical Boundary
This boundary is the easiest to visualize and understand and has been the most studied. Research indicates that the average American requires about two feet of personal space in front, and 18 behind them to be comfortable. Jerry Seinfeld made this boundary funny when he featured the close talker on his show. But actually, the physical boundary is more than just space. It can be violated by people whose touch is unwelcome, or by someone who feels physically threatening to you. Your boundary tells you when to set limits and when to protect yourself, by making you feel uncomfortable.
External Boundary
This boundary must be strong but flexible. It serves as a filter that protects you from insults and injuries that come from the outside. When you receive criticism at work; when your medical professional tells you to lose weight, when your spouse tells you they are angry at you; when a driver calls you an obscene name, or when your sister calls you selfish, this boundary kicks in. It talks you through what the other person said or did to you and helps you sort out what is real feedback you should take seriously, and what you should reject.
Internal Boundary
This is the boundary that protects you (and others) from yourself. It serves as a filter between your feelings, and what you do with them. This boundary helps you sort through your intense anger, hurt, and pain, and decide whether, and how, to express it.
Temporal Boundary
We all carry our past experiences within us. And we can often tend to dwell on them in a way that is not helpful. On top of that, old feelings often attach themselves to current experiences and emerge when we least expect them. This is why people blow up over burnt toast, for example. It’s also easy to give the future too much power over us. Spending too much time thinking about, imagining, worrying about, or dreading the future can cause anxiety and prevent us from living in the moment. Your temporal boundary senses when you’re going too far back or forward, and pulls you back.
Conclusion
Evaluating our boundaries is hard work. In the end, it’s all about creating a healthy environment for ourselves to live the happiest and most meaningful life we possibly can. This is a hard skill to learn but in the end, breaking unhealthy boundaries frees us from fear which then often frees us of some pain. We create a better sense of self and improve our relationship through better honest and direct communication. What I am saying is, if you, like me, have trouble with setting boundaries – set up a consult with me, and let’s talk.
