Every once in a while a brave soul asks about how those in chronic pain maintain a sex life, or feelings of being a sexual person, or even just feeling beautiful. I’ve touched on this topic a few times throughout my journey and find my inbox full when I do. It’s come up for me again with my re-occurrence of pain and figured it was worth talking about. I hope you feel that way too.
My question today is how do we look at ourselves in the mirror and see the physical body those around us see?
I am terrible at this. I know as women it’s hard to compete with the endless airbrushed images and makeup artists sharing a nonreality with us, but add in chronic pain… our already questionable views of beauty get skewed further! Our pain changes the way we see ourselves. I’m having a hard time seeing myself the way others do. I have plenty of reasons to have issues, but I don’t think that means I get to STOP trying to straighten things out in my head, so here we go.
My pelvis hurt for a long time, and my hip hurts now. These body parts are intimately tied to my womanhood. My pelvic floor is attached here, my gluteus maximus ( amongst other muscles) contracts during orgasm, my pelvis shifts, my legs abduct and externally rotate and muscles connected to my hip and pelvis contract in forceful contractions. The end result for so many years was not untold pleasures and intimacy, it was pain. Sex ended in pain. I don’t know about you, but for me, part of my perception of my beauty is tied to my sexuality. My sweet husband has never for a moment let me forget how much he loves me and how beautiful and sexy he thinks I am. But over the years I found it harder and harder to access the woman that FELT beautiful and sexy. I just felt pain. While I was able to maintain a sense of my inner beauty with the help of honest friends and having relationships where my inner attributes were able to shine, I never completely lost a sense of my INNER beauty. But the packaging? The droopy rear end, the bloating, the inflammation, the constant pain to touch skin, the weight gain, the immobility. I HATED these body parts that are supposed to be attractive and beautiful. I learned to loathe my hips and rear end – I wanted ANYONE else’s – I didn’t care what it looked like as long as it didn’t hurt. So it appears I have become disconnected from my body.
Recently I was reminded poignantly by a close friend of mine that I underestimate my own beauty and ability to turn heads. I have to admit I don’t just underestimate it, I am entirely unaware of it!
But the idea that my body, my physical body is beautiful… attractive… fit? I can’t see that. Me, able to turn heads – I laugh as I type it. It seems utterly insane. So insane I am not even sure this blog will get posted.
I WANT to believe I am beautiful and desirable, that the work I have put into making my body WORK has also made it attractive. I want to believe I am a stunning work of art, I want to believe my young female classmate when she says ” I hope I look like you when I am your age!” I want to not be confused when my classmates need to find muscle on a classmate and everyone wants me to flex my lats – I’m an athlete you know… Internally I think – um no I WAS a swimmer, now I’m a mom and a student, and apparently a blogger. But an athlete with an athletic body? That is someone I used to be.
I want to not laugh at my dear sweet friend who invited me to join her in a swimsuit competition for female bodybuilders. She was DEAD serious and said it wouldn’t take me long to be competition ready. ME in heels and a bikini being judged on my BODY are you INSANE?!?!?! I wanted to laugh at her, but her sincerity was overwhelming. “You have the perfect body for it Amy, you’d be great and it would be good for you!” Me in stripper heels and a bikini… I wish you could see my face laughing as I type. I promised her I would try to take in the truth she was dealing me, but it’s so hard to see! First I think about attempting to walk in a pair of heels that would make me over 6 feet tall and that is laughable, but then the thought of a bikini?! Um… I haven’t worn one since… uh… well… about 8 years ago – and even then it was at the request of my beloved. It’s true, as I type the sad reality is I think to myself, ” other than my husband why would anyone find me attractive? Why would anyone want MY body?”
So the questions continue… how do I reconnect with my body? Not the trusting it part, even with the recurrent pain, I am sure that I will be just fine, and my body will heal. But how do I reconnect with the idea of my OUTER beauty? With other places I have needed my head straighten out, I have always listened to the counsel of the wise people in my life. I think I need to do the same now, but here’s the deal…. how can I even consider this body that seems so weak, so determined to be a source of pain…. how can I ever see that as worthy of attention and exquisite when all I want is it to be invisible and pain-free?
