Do you ever feel like you have a mask you wear because of your pain? Do you feel like people don’t really want to know how you are doing, or you shouldn’t bother explaining, because no one will really listen anyway? If you feel this or anything like this, please know you are not alone!
The reasons for the masks we wear
So many of my conversations with fellow pain sufferers at some point mention, “I put on my mask to…..”
That sentence gets filled in various ways to:
- be with friends, to get to class, to see my family
- go on this outing with my family
- meet the expectations of others
- just keep going.
This was a piece of art I saw at a local Craft Fair. It made me stop in my tracks…. it made me think of my own journey. Then it made me think about all of you and your journeys. Before I found others that had experienced unrelenting pain, I figured I was all alone out there. That this kinda life-sucking pain was rare.
I figured I was beyond repair so I just had to suck it up and keep going: keep walking, keep cleaning, keep trying desperately to live like all the other people around me, to not complain mostly because nothing changed. To try to enjoy what life I had left and live for that day.
Starting to peel back the layers of the masks we wear
Once I found other people who had Chronic pain issues, the first layer of my mask fell off. At least with people who understood my pain. I felt safe to share.
- I wasn’t alone!
- I was normal in this group of people who felt like I did – it was relieving and frightening all at the same time.
- I sounded so much like so many of these men and women…. but they were using walkers, crutches, and all kinds of aides…
- I had never considered that…
- I had always pushed through…. trying so desperately to be normal.
On many occasions, I thought about how much I wanted a handicap sticker, but never asked. Feeling so alone and like such an oddity it never occurred to me to ask my Dr. As I pursued further treatment I started coming to terms with just how disabled I had become. I started sharing, and admitting to myself and to others that I had lost most of my ability to live in my life… it was passing me by.
It was quite challenging to face my own emptiness, loneliness, and isolation. I realized a lot of my suffering came from being alone. Alone in my thoughts, not asking for help because I felt like I had used up all the kindness of friends and medical resources and on and on. I forgot it wasn’t for me to decide. There is power in asking for help, and I had surrendered that waiting for others’ notice, and being angry when they didn’t.
The mask I wore was hurting me as much as it was protecting me.
My mask was working to keep me isolated, to protect me from being seen as broken, or incapable. However, it was also keeping me from the things I value most in life: honest and vulnerable relationships. I had stopped being honest because I didn’t like what my current level of disability said about me.
No one else saw me as incapable, a loser, or helpless. No, those were labels I gave myself, without even realizing it.
The Joys of shedding the masks
With each layer, I shed I became heavy-hearted and lighter in spirit at the same time. I wasn’t alone and it wasn’t the end. As I continue on in my journey of healing I see that those layers that fall off do indeed reappear as strength.
In learning to reflect, and share how I really feel, I have become freer. I have learned to drop some of my own expectations and change my perspective. To see strength where I once would have seen failure. To see honesty where I might have seen myself as “needy”.
I have learned that self-reflection is hard. It even hurts sometimes, to admit beliefs I have about myself or the way I would like to be seen. The endless amount of unconscious choices I made to support beliefs about myself I didn’t even know I held!
Being honest with one’s self is a sign of strength, being honest with others is being vulnerable. Both of these attributes contribute to a decrease in suffering. We are less alone, and more content at the end of the day when we accept ourselves. When we don’t, guilt and shame drag us down. I wrote about that here.
I become more and more me, more sure, more joyful, and stronger in spirit. Out of darkness often comes light. I hope that you are able to shed some of your layers of the mask so that you too can continue in your journey toward strength and freedom!
If you are looking for a safe place to be understood and shed your mask, come join us in my Facebook support group. Share your story with us there and start to find yourself again.
July 10th 2011
updated Oct 14th, 2018
