The stages of grief may seem a funny topic for those with persisting pain. Let me explain. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced pain that persists understands how much loss is involved, including the person experiencing it. We spend so much time in survival. We live moment to moment, medical visit to medical visit or medication dose to medication dose. This is living in trauma. Our bodies are not meant to live in this state long term. It’s not good for us.
That’s why I talk so much about acceptance. When we reach a place we “consent to receive” the sensations we have for that day, we also slow/stop the trauma of living in crisis. We allow for some space to heal. We have often lost so much in our journeys with pain; autonomy, a sense of self, jobs, meaning, favorite activities, relationships, mobility…the list is different for everyone.
Part of healing is grieving these losses so we can heal and move forward. It really is part of the process of moving forward. Our lives have been interrupted, altered, changed. Consider that for a moment, would you?
“Grief is a natural response to death or loss. The grieving process is an opportunity to appropriately mourn a loss and then heal. The process is helped when you acknowledge grief, find support, and allow time for grief to work.” webmd.com
The Stages of Grief
It is important to interpret the stages loosely and expect much individual variation. There is no neat progression from one stage to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, or stages can hit at the same time, or occur out of order. So why bother with stage models at all? Because they are a good general guide of what to expect.
For example, generally, a long period of “depression” (not clinical depression), isolation, and loneliness happen late in the grief process, months after the tragedy strikes. It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad months later.
Outsiders do not understand this and feel that it should be time for you to “get over it” and rejoin normal life. Just knowing that your desire to be alone with your sad reflections at this time is normal will help you deal with outside pressures. You are acting normally. They just don’t “get it”.
There are specific stages of grief. They reflect common reactions people have as they try to make sense of a loss. The common stages are:
1. Denial, numbness, and shock:
Numbness is a normal reaction to a death or loss and should never be confused with “not caring.” You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. The shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. This type of grief is probably one of the biggest and most important stages that people go through once they start processing the stages of grief. Try not to rush it.
Examples of emotions during this stage of grief:
- Mourning
- Sadness
- Confusion
- Discomfort
2. Pain and Guilt:
As the shock wears off, it is often replaced with the suffering of unbelievable emotional pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain, and not hide it, avoid it, or escape from it.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your life, career, or loved ones. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
Examples of emotions during this stage of grief:
- Sadness
- Guilt
- Desperation
- Betrayed
3. Anger and Bargaining:
This stage of grief may be marked by persistent thoughts about what “could have been done” to prevent the loss. Anger usually happens when we feel helpless and powerless. It can stem from a feeling of abandonment because of a death or loss. Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on someone else, everyone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is not a time for the release of bottled-up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair.
Examples of emotions during this stage of grief:
- Anger
- Resentment
- Bargaining
- Stubbornness
4. “Depression”, Reflection, Loneliness
Just when you may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did in your lost past, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
Examples of emotions during this stage of grief:
- Depression
- Heavy
- Crushed
- Frustrated
5. The Upward Turn
As you start to adjust to the new normal of life, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms of distress lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.
This is the part of the grieving process where you’ll start to see the light a bit at the end of the tunnel. It’s a middle ground of all the grief symptoms that you’ll go through but it’s one that you can build upon.
Examples of emotions during this stage of grief:
- Strengthened
- Motivated
- Awakened
6. Reconstruction & Working Through
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstruct yourself and your life.
Examples of emotions during this stage of grief:
- Inspired
- Determined
- Refreshed
7. Acceptance & Hope
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness.
You will find a way forward. Eventually, you will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future.
You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
Examples of emotions during this stage of grief:
- Hopeful
- Comforted
- Relaxed
- Secure
What things might help resolve grief?:
Acknowledge and accept both positive and negative feelings; allow plenty of time to experience thoughts and feelings; confide in a trusted person about the loss; express feelings openly or write journal entries about them; find groups in which there are other people who’ve had similar losses; remember that crying can provide a release; seek professional help if feelings are overwhelming.
You are always welcome here, in my free Facebook support group, come join us today.
