I think that this is one of the most important things we can talk about while we are in the midst of trying to live in our pain. It doesn’t matter where you are in your journey with pain… stuff gets hard to do and when we put our heads together and talk about how we have changed our lives to accommodate our disability and dysfunction we learn and make it easier on ourselves and those around us.
As a stay-at-home mom, I had the “luxury” of not HAVING to be somewhere every day, I think this really helped me turn a blind eye to how bad things had become, but I was able to accommodate my pain for a long time.
Many have asked me how I was able to keep my household running over the really hard years. The answer is sheer determination and a reward system for my kids. I have always felt it is important for our kids to learn that as part of a family there are things you do to help out that you are not compensated for, they are things you do because you are part of something. So as young as 2 I can remember teaching the kids to squirt the dishwasher detergent into the dishwasher, pick up toys, or carry a sippy cup to the sink. It was just part of the family.
As they got older and I got more disabled the tasks got bigger, and the conversation got harder. I remember sitting down with them after school one day and saying something to the effect of,” Guys, Mommy is really hurting now and I can’t stand at the sink to get the dishes in the dishwasher, I am going to need your help until we figure out what to do or this settles down.” I told them that this was work they were having to do because Mommy couldn’t’ and I would gladly pay them in “mommy tickets” in return for their doing my work.
Mommy tickets have no set currency, but they can be traded in for prizes large and small – they are usually used for large purchases my husband and I want the kids to earn… like a huge lego set, or an American Girl doll…. So my children with my verbal direction learned to deal with laundry, dishes, cleaning, and sometimes even food prep. I so desperately did not want to BURDEN my kids with my inadequacies so we made this as fun as we possibly could. When I was in need of help I would call for, ” Mommy’s minions!” The kids knew that meant I was going to ask for help doing something and they would RUN to get to me… not in a panic, but in anticipation. The ticket price would be set upfront and the task would be offered… the first minion to agree got the tickets and my huge appreciation… On cleaning days we would crank up 80′s hair bands and sing and dance and clean… ok I’d sing and help reach stuff along the way, but mostly sat… It hurt but I just couldn’t lay down on my kids.
I tried as often as I could to give them a lot of options, and the right to say no sometimes. I would usually dust or clean counters because I could hold on to things and lean on stuff so they didn’t feel they were all alone in chores… somehow we made it fun and they never resented me or all they had been asked to do.
-Amy
June 25th 2011
