I think I am finally rounding a corner again after being injured again 8 weeks ago. It’s surprising, and nice to finally feel like I am following the “textbook” of healing and not mapping out my own route. I saw my Primary Care Dr a few weeks ago to get cleared to go back to the more rigorous aspects of school. It was a really good appointment. I treasure those types of appointments. He decided to approach this pain (possible sprain/strain) of my rear with an anti-inflammatory/steroid pack/x-ray to double-check all my hardware/ and PT. He listened, he took me seriously, and he asked me how he could help me – we made a plan together and it felt good to not be ignored, belittled, or treated like it was in my head.
It’s been about a year and a half since I have been in PT and I am ok with going back to get this bugger tackled. Maybe I can even figure out what some of the lingering issues are and a good way to tackle them once we get the inflammation to settle down again. I had prepared myself for PT to be different… I am no longer a scared patient that needs constant reassurance, I know enough to know to say to a new therapist – um yeah that hurts in a bad way can we try something else? Yes of course I want “my” PT, but I understand that might not be possible… I was prepared to let others treat me. It will come as no shock to most of you that have followed my journey that I was THRILLED when I was put on my PT’s caseload.
Seems like maybe I am not the only one that feels a little protective of the work we have done together to rebuild me. No matter what happens this time round I know that I am in capable hands that will help rehab me and teach me along the way, I also know I won’t be given up on. There is tremendous comfort in this. I am able to walk into therapy confident that I am heard, that I am working as a team, and all avenues will be explored – even when the water is pretty muddy. Will I get back to where I was? I sure hope so. I have no real reason to think I won’t, but I fear it is going to take longer than I really want it to. This is the part that eats at my brain and causes waves of that dreaded fear.
I find myself in need of reassurance a lot at home. I do believe to the center of my being that this will pass, I will be as I was, living a million miles a minute and not needing to take an ice bath at the end of every day like I’m training for a marathon, and not just the busy life I have made for myself.
I am usually squirreled away reading or studying anyway, so the only difference is now I HAVE to be down, it’s not my choice. Seems like a small thing, but it is not! It really messes with my head. The ice, the bed, the realization that I can not keep my pain under control when I keep pushing and pushing. The toll it takes on my ability to concentrate – Between school, family, and foundation work my brain is pretty active these days and this whole pain thing slows me down physically and mentally. and you know what that does… makes me feel like a failure. Yup, silly I know, but it’s the truth.
What do YOU do when these moments come? How do you weather the fear, the doubt, the voices in your head that say it’s hopeless?
Me: sweets, Starbucks….. tv… friends here in town, and Facebook. These are the places I find my comfort when I feel like I can’t get up again, or have failed those around me that I love. I’ve been doing this long enough to know the moments will pass and hope will be around the corner if I wait long enough. But I am tired of the sugar/ carbs binges and the marathon tv sessions… I just want my life back, I want to be able to sit as long as I need to to accomplish the things I want in MY time.
But for now, that’s not the way it needs to be. I don’t want to be disciplined, I don’t want to rest, I don’t WANT to do my PT exercises… but I have learned that doesn’t get me anywhere. I have to have others to keep me accountable for the endless number of things that I don’t want to do. I need them more than they know to help keep me on track – to give me a reason to try outside of myself, when my inner warrior is taking a nap, or worse… the days I keep pushing without caring for myself. I need help to keep fighting!
In addition to my husband, I have 2 friends that mean the world to me and I would lay down my life for them. They know me better than I know myself and can speak the truth to me on the darkest of days. It doesn’t matter how long we have been apart or the amount of time since our last conversation – they know ME, the good the bad, the ugly, and the insecure…. they remind me who I am when I forget. These are the people that bring me comfort, like an old sweatshirt and a bowl of ice cream. They settle my heart with truth. Neither of them ever treated me any differently when I was in pain than when I wasn’t. It was and is the most valuable gift I have ever been given, they did not define me by my pain, and that helped me to do the same.
Even now, they and my loved ones remind me, this too shall pass, but you must be patient, and compliant… I know it’s true, but it’s so hard. There are so many things I want to do, and once again I am in a time where I must choose. I hate choosing, I want it all… so I will be compliant and rest for now because I must, but not because I want to.
