Balancing my life had never been easy for me, I feel like I have often lived at the extremes. My life is lived VERY fast, with every minute filled, or so slow I am rotting and decomposing as I wasted away in my own body. Right now, at this place in my recovery, for the first time in a very very very long time, I feel balanced.
I have downtime to think, pray ponder, write, to “muse” if you will. I also have uptime… time to tend to my house, my friends, my own creative efforts, to play with my family. I like it this way, A LOT! I feel free to depend on God in a new way. For 21 years now I have been a believer… I trust God in a totally different way. We’ve always been close, I’ve leaned on him a lot.
Right now, it’s not leaning, he’s full-on carrying me. Not because I can’t walk, but because I WANT him too. It’s hard to do it alone – anything really, LIFE is hard to do alone, but all this…. it would have been impossible for me without God.
I want to cry at the thought of losing this balance, this peace to the roar of a hectic life. I watch the people whiz past me in the store as I walk along, with my tummy tight reminding myself to stay strong in the core…. I learned to appreciate the small things around me when I was so dysfunctional. I listen to my friends, they say too busy to talk, too busy to sit, too busy……… I haven’t been busy for the last 3-4 years. I’ve been stuck – rotting away in my body, and I am waking up and no longer rotting…. I am growing… and there are a zillion things I want to do, BUT I don’t want to be so busy I can’t breathe again.
How… how do I stay here…. in this place where I am still slightly limited by my body so that my God and my family get the best of me? How do I keep God at the center….. Life is working in a spiritual sense right now, the way I always prayed it would. “It’s not what I thought I had been praying for, but it’s what I have been given…” -The Normals
I know me…. I’m a doer….. I have learned so many lessons about just being a BEING…. I want to remember them, to KEEP them in practice, to stay like this without the physical limitations. I wonder if it’s possible… I pray that it is, I really believe this is the way life is meant to be lived, I really do.
May 18th, 2011 – original publish date
