Asking for help on the harder pain days can be challenging. Feelings of being a burden to those we love can be a real challenge. I was terrible at asking for help when I was in pain. I felt like I had to do it all myself or I was weak, a burden, not worth the space I was taking up on this earth. I am sure you can relate.
Over the years I learned to ask for help. Even though it was still really hard. My friends started slowly and just helping out here or there and reinforced the idea that it was their joy to be able to help me. Upon reflection, I realized they were right, I love to be a help to others, it makes me feel good. My best friend asked me once, “Why would you keep us from the joy of helping you?” That hit home. It changed my perspective and enabled me to see asking for help as less of a burden to others.
I love journaling. I find it a fantastic way to sort my thoughts out and be more objective. It also helped me to have things written down when my pain brain was active and I couldn’t think as clearly. I want to share some categories of things I wrote about in order to help myself reach out for help on hard days.
- Make a list of people you can reach out to.
My list contains people I can ask for physical and emotional help from. I had friends that had offered to help clean or mow the lawn. I also had people say just call if you need a friend. Recognizing not everyone had the same ability to help with things made it easier to make calls and ask for help.
- Understanding my own needs.
Admittedly this was harder. Was I just sad, was I overwhelmed? Did I need help with chores or cooking or laundry? Did I just need someone to remind me I was going to get through this flare-up? Did I need someone to sit with me while I paid bills or called Doctors or did the things that became overwhelming at times? Did I need someone to help me figure out what I did need? I learned in those overwhelmed moments to take some time and breath, rest in my own head and then figure out what I needed so I could ask. It took a long time to learn to do this for myself and if I’m honest, I’m still learning!
- Being able to answer the question, “ How can I help you?”
Other than, “ Are you better yet?” I don’t think there was a question that caused me more stress or anxiety! It occurred to me that if I wrote down things, I might be able to answer that question in a helpful way for my friends and myself. So I wrote different headings and filled them in. Give it a try with your own journal here.
“ Having a need and needing help is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign you are human.”
- Asking for help is a strength – change that mindset.
Let’s be real, It feels good when someone offers help. Most people want to help. Having the opportunity to delegate creates a deeper level of trust and appreciation from everyone involved. You’re relinquishing some control and being vulnerable, which isn’t always easy, but you’re also creating a more secure bond in your relationship. In short, you are deepening relationships!
- Reassess your priorities.
Pain and limitations are a reality. Be real about how much you can handle in a day. I know you WANT to be able to do it all yourself. Is that realistic today? If you know you have to pace your day and give up some control and risk looking weak…. What do you GAIN? More time with your loved ones? More time to care for you? A shorter flare? Seriously. What do you stand to gain if you reassess the way you believe life has to be lived?
Take some time and gnaw on these ideas. They are important and can really help change the quality of your life. Deepening friendships, changing your perspective on yourself, and removing some of the guilt and shame that often accompanies life in chronic pain.
I would love to know what ways you have learned to ask for help, and signs for when you know you need it. Please join me on Facebook in our support group. We can’t wait to meet you! Let me know how I can help you!
If you worry about asking in the right way, here is a nice quick read from Psychology Today on asking for help.
