Life gets busy when your not laying in bed all the time! I feel bad that I haven’t updated! I haven’t been taking pictures either, and I realize, who wants to read all these endless words with no pictures! But I feel “real” life backing up on me a little…. I mean there are so many new routines and things that haven’t been there for so long that I am not always great at sorting them out! I try to have reason and order and chucks of time for the stuff our family and I need, but it is still a hybrid life…. but this hybrid is normal! I am trying to manage the household, school, and exercise/rehab. Some weeks all that works great, other weeks ( like big test weeks) I freak out and all that gets done around here is school! This seems much more like my non SI friends…. managing a busy life with a busy family… but I find that I am still pretty protective of myself physically.
I know that the emotional end of this is not over… sadly this week my husband suggested that we move my bedside table that holds all my PT “junk” as well as my school stuff and my SI research” light reading”. There is no order to these things yet – there will be, but right now it’s a jumble of papers, cords and equipment! I get that he wants it gone, but the idea of the last remnant of my security blanket being taken away…. well it put me over the edge emotionally. I know if it is not easy to access it will take longer and take more time to find answers if it’s research…. I have no idea where to put my school stuff, and if I put my PT stuff away where it doesn’t stare at me and make me feel guilty…. welllllll I might not use it! And quiet frankly I just couldn’t handle any more change right now! Graduation from PT is good, but I can see that I am pretty unbalanced mentally – not crazy, but my emotions are more prone to wider swings right now. I don’t feel as safe, or as much like a super hero ;). That will come in time, but for right now… it’s pretty precarious! So in a moment of insanity and tears I begged him not to take my table away and promised I would work on getting to a place where we could move it and I could organize those parts of my life!
42 weeks 3 days
Today I had a “class” for points for my admission into PTA school… the class,” What a PTA does”. I was pretty sure I would have to gouge my eyes out from bordem by the end of the class… I mean 18 years in and out of PT… I think I have a pretty god handle on what a PTA does, but if your going to give me points for going…. ok… I’ll do it.
That 4 hours was full of so many emotions and mental notes that I didn’t have TIME to gouge my eyes out…. it was pretty amazing. We started with what’s your name and why do you think you want to be a PTA…. I was certainly the oldest person in the class, and I was curious to hear what others would say – mostly high school Sr’s, and under 21’s in the class… a few late 20’s and one other gentleman in his 30’s like me. Various answers from liking helping people, to small bits of rehab they had done themselves, to family members that do it….
I realized as others were talking that I really do have a REAL focus and reason for wanting to do this that surpasses helping people, and feeling like I am good at it, or being helped by providers…. I desperately desperately want to make a difference in forwarding the conversation about SIJD. Conservatively, surgically, and post-op rehab…. I want to be involved in that larger conversation. I want to understand more to be able to contribute more. I realized in myself all the passion that has built in me over these months. It was powerful. I also was able to interact with total strangers who did NOT know me or my story and saw their response to me… it was the same as those that DO know me. It was certainty that this is where I should be and that because of the road I have traveled I WILL be a different type of PTA… it will influence my care of others in good ways. By being taken out of my own context and “evaluated” by a stranger it somehow reinforced the things those close to me have been saying for months in a new way. And once again I had the fear of failure and rejection in the pit of my stomach. Let’s just say I will be glad when everything is turned in and they get back to me and tell me if I had enough points or not to make it in…. GOD I wish there was a face to face interview! But there isn’t so… on we go right….
I realized today should I make it in my story and the way I think will make a difference in patients lives, but most likely in the other people in my class as well.
Own my own”ish”
It feels like forever since I have been to PT and I am doing ok”ish”. See I like to add ish to things because it means I have room to NOT be totally ok. The whole adductor strain is down to a rumble not an all out scream and gets quieter every day. There was a lot of encouragement in treating that on my own. I wrapped, taped, heated, iced, ultra-sounded and tensed it into submission and now am able to stretch and foam roll some of the knots out. I can see that I am able to manage this and NOT freak out or have it interfere too much with my daily living. It was just a injury and it’s on its way out… all good… except for the hip pain that has started….
I knew something was going to break down. It’s all about that careful balance of muscle dysfunction. While the dimmer on all of that is steadily going down and there is no pain from it – I am aware it is there like weak links in a suit of armor… one subtle misstep and the system of balance tumbles and stuff gets pissy.
I knew I was bearing more weight on my left leg again… and i could feel my knees rolling in.. and I was pretty sure that this would end up with pain somewhere… but I couldn’t stop it. So yeah… My PT called and said he wanted to check in with me – perfect timing. So in our check in he said… ok Groin strain is in check so you can get back in the water and resume at home PT stuff… but I’m pretty certain you have hip bursitis… ITB/TFL is too tight and rubbin’ on that bursa…. so ice massage and ultrasound to keep it under control. And I’ll check in with you again soon.
So… while it IS painful to lay on or have touched…. ice helps tremendously and I am just glad that I can work exercises back into my routine. My goal for the end of the year is to be doing at home yoga videos regularly and some light weights and things on my own at the gym that mimic the things I was doing at PT and by the end of Dec early Jan be able to take a class at the gym… even if I need to stop due to muscle endurance I really feel like at this point I can tell when I am recruiting other muscles into the mix. I am nervous about looking weak or stupid with other people in the class, or having to explain to the instructor that I am glad she can do clams for 5 minutes strait, but I CAN”T and won’t… I’ll do them until I recruit other muscles…. because the point is to get stronger, not put myself in an all out flair! So I have 9ish weeks to work on that. Hard to believe that is all that’s left until my 1 year post-op mark! I am determined to press on for the life I want to live. This is just the next step. In school and in my physical being.