browser icon
You are using an insecure version of your web browser. Please update your browser!
Using an outdated browser makes your computer unsafe. For a safer, faster, more enjoyable user experience, please update your browser today or try a newer browser.

Week 36-37

36 weeks 2 days

What a difference a year makes…

This time last year I was at Disney World, celebrating 14 years of marriage to my husband, with my family, and trying to survive. I had been researching surgical options since April and was terrified and exhausted. That’s 5 months of computer research, phone calls, and trying to figure out how to ask the right questions so I could compare apples to apples… I hated all the answers that I got from pretty much everyone I talked to… I needed a mental break… and I love Disney.

The family at Disney’s not so scary Halloween party 😀

I was so bad and hardly able to weight bear that I KNEW I would need to change our trip to accommodate me and my SIJD… still too proud to get in a wheelchair I insisted on walking everywhere. Sometimes I really can’t believe how dumb I was. I’d pack my narcotics, my tens unit, and extra batteries and head off to the parks with my family. I was looking through those pictures yesterday and I am leaning on my left leg in every photo… it was too hard to bear weight on the right… I can still remember the joy mixed with dread about getting up and down for pictures with MY favorite characters… I was having fun. I really was… but my body kept betraying me and I can see my thoughts in the picture… I love this but I HURT. I would cry in the bathroom away from the kids and my husband, I would bite on straws and curl my toes in pain. One day we went off to see the Harry Potter theme park at Universal and I actually PRAYED it would rain so we could go home… I had pain from my head to my toes that day and could barely get to the car…. it did rain by the way and I was so thankful….

Can you see the pain in me even though I really am having fun? Sometimes looking at other Si patients pictures were what made it so glaring to me…

It was such a bittersweet time… my kids were looking at the pictures with me and thank GOD all the remember is the fun, they don’t remember my pain – they remember the funny moments, the smiles, the rides that mom forced herself to get on…. and I got a break from the constant worry of what the hell I was going to do now that I had failed out of PT again and there seemed to be no good answers left.

When I finally found the team in Georgia I knew I had found my answer… and I also knew that it wasn’t the “right” answer… it was the next best thing. It was my best chance at a new life. It was the best option I had to stabilize this slip sliding pelvis. I can remember talking to Vicki and asking do you know ANYONE that is replacing the ligaments because that is what I REALLY need… i need my ligaments replaced. She said.. yes. you do – your right… and no, I don’t know of anyone doing that. Fixation or fusion is the best medicine has to offer right now, but you can wait and see if it catches up! I said no.. .I’ve been waiting for 18 years… I’m done waiting… Sign me up for the first available date in Jan 2011. ( This was in Oct of 2010.)

I can’t believe the pain I was in then and how little I could do then compared to now. I know I get frustrated with recovery and that I have anything still wrong with me. But my trusted PT told me before I went under the knife that we would have a long slow road and not to expect anything short of a year to recover… and maybe longer. I hated hearing him say that.. it scared me… but I am so so so thankful that he was honest with me about where I was physically and what it would take to undo years of abuse to my body while it tried to keep me stable.

My husband and I just celebrated 15 years of marriage this week. He has seen me at my best, at my worst, and every place in between. He has rubbed, pulled, stretched, taped, carried, pushed, and prayed for me every step of the way. I have no idea how I would have gotten through this with out him… we don’t know when, but we are going to celebrate my new lease on life and our marriage with a scuba dive in warm waters somewhere – at some time!

I still stress emotionally pretty easy, especially now that I am back in school… I think this class may be the death of me. I have never been very good at memorizing things and that’s pretty much exactly what I need to be good at… but then I think of all the people with SI issues out there and feel compelled to keep pushing.

I want to make changes, I want to make a difference.. and I find myself struggling to figure out how and where to do that… Some days it feels more insurmountable than recovery….

So while I am thrilled for my own progress, thankful for my support system and experience I find myself grieving for others that are stuck in systems and places where adequate help and treatment can’t be found… that has to change… it just has to…..

36 weeks 3 days

Sometimes I wonder if God reads my journal 🙂 I know that might seem silly… and of course it IS, but as much as God and I talk about what’s going on with me I don’t always feel like I talk about it with Him that much… like this whole end of the world feeling I have had lately… not REALLY an end of the world feeling.. .but like my last paragraph from yesterday… it’s soooo big… the help that is needed…. it’s a God sized problem really.

So is me going back to school… I intentionally avoided all classes like the ones I am taking now! Not because I am not smart, or not able to “get” the information… it’s the WAY the classes are structured. TONS of memorization. Me and memorization… we don’t’ get along. and spelling… you should see the way my screen lights up with misspelled words… I know there are still plenty on here, but yikes – BEFORE I spell check.. you’d all get a good laugh!

Anyway – I’ve been feeling more and more like I will never get through A&P with the grade I need to get INTO the PTA program and maybe I should just quit now and drop the class and this idea… What idea… yeah well I’m not sure… I guess the one where I become a PTA and can make a difference in the clinical world. I said to my dear friend the other day – well… what if I just do it as ME, ya know without the PTA thing. The message from that friend was pretty clear… YOUR MADE FOR THIS AMY!!!!! I can hear several of you reading saying the same thing. My answer was.. I am made to help others – I can do that in a million ways… this one seems crazy and kinda impossible right now.. .like more than ever…

So where does God reading my journal come in you ask… yeah I would too… church this morning. Church of several thousand people – big jumbo screens to see the pastor if your sitting in the balcony so he doesn’t look like a little lego dude… and I could SWEAR he wrote that sermon JUST for me.
The cliff notes… God sends us crazy ideas, visions, dreams, inklings… call them what you want.. .but he sends them to us so we will FOLLOW Him where they lead…. and most often that is into a place of our weakness so that He can hold us up, get us through, and send us to the place of even crazierness and we will continue to trust Him… especially because we just came OUT of an insane situation that we could have only gotten through with HIS help. Throw in there a good bit of hey if yor Godly friends seem to think your crazy idea isn’t crazy… welllll… maybe you should trust them… I mean as long as it doesn’t contradict scripture. Well… my friends have spoken, and try as I might I can not find anywhere in scripture that says becoming a PTA is a bad plan or against God’s desire for my pursuit of Him.

So I came out of church today calmer… don’t get me wrong I still have panic about my quiz coming up on Tuesday… but God has gotten me through a lot harder stuff than A&P. I have to admit I am ashamed I had not turned to Him yet to tell Him how hard this was and that I really want to make a difference, but that I need His help and peace. ( and retention would be great… I mean really he DESIGNED all this stuff I am studying… he knows it better than my teacher!)

Sometimes I am just a little slow to get to the place that can help me best. So today I don’t know that my spelling will get better because of God, but I have certainly seen stranger things happen! Mostly I was just energized with the idea that just because it’s hard doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it, or that God left me at the door to class. I was feeling alone and overwhelmed. I don’t feel like that anymore, and I am glad that I believe in a God that cares about my A&P class.

36 weeks 5 days

So part of my deal with PT is that I don’t want to share time with other patients.. so if he needs to move my time or day he can. I have always always always been willing to do that. No questions asked. I think it’s happened like once since surgery… but it happened for today. Tuesday’s are my hardest days… 7-2 sitting pretty much. It’s not horrible.. nothing is these days… but my body still doesn’t’ think it’s great to sit in one position that long. I feel the iliopsoas get tighter and my hip joints just feel… well.. wrong.. tight… not real painful… just like stuff is tightening up, and that tends to make me want to guard things I have realized that I am NOT pushing myself like I was months ago. Not at home anyway… and not physically. When I stopped swimming and started studying I feel like I really got off balance. I really think that I am afraid to be laid out again. i think that’s holding me back again. I have a fellow surgery friend that is really pushing herself physically and I admire her for it. Sometimes I feel whimpy… like I can and should do more… and I think if I wasn’t in school I would be.

I can remember writing in Amy’s musings months ago about balance and really feeling balanced a few months ago and knowing that would not be the case forever… yeah… balance lost. Most of the stress is in my head… it’s fear… fear of falling apart and not being able to handle all I have taken on… How does one stop being afraid?

Knowing that I had to wait another day for PT this week ( and I only saw him once last week) I made choices to do things earlier in the week that I would have waited a few days on if I knew PT wasn’t right around the corner. It shows me that while I am functional I still VERY much depend on my PT for adjustments to keep me in super low to no pain.

So today I went had had a 30 minute massage with my favorite massage therapist. She is so friendly and so fun… I knew it wouldn’t be long enough to do much, but just get some of the major kinks out.. and I haven’t seen her in many months… so it’s also always good to get perspective… and she gave me that in droves today! I had her work on the hips and a little on the left shoulder… all my school tension is living in there…but she was like well lets start with glutes and move to hips… I always ask..well.. what’s going on… and her observations thrilled me… she told me that my muscles felt MUCH more normal… that before they just felt like rock… really hard to move and manipulate… but now they were tight, but they moved much better. She also noted that the “gunky” parts had certainly moved into different parts and that was probably why it looked like I was walking SO much better. It did my heart wonders to hear that. We met at Starbucks years ago… she was the barista and mentioned that she was trying to find full time work in her passion massage therapy… She referenced watching me walk back then… when life was really bad… to now… she said it was obvious this surgery was the right thing for me… Sometimes trying to look day to day and even week to week at this point is hard… I am doing so much and the changes are so small that sometimes I lose them and get discouraged. So those moments are really good for the heart. The massage felt really good too! I wish I had the cash to do that every week!
ok back to studying… this week… muscles!

36 weeks 6 days

Fear is a powerful motivator. As I have been trying to figure out over the last few entries I feel pretty fearful that the “other shoe” is going to drop at any time now. That all the progress is going to disappear… that life doesn’t get better than this… that I am as good as I am going to get. Granted in the grand scheme of things life is good. Sitting on ice for a little bit at the end of the day for 15 minutes… or needing to stretch a few times a day.. not really a life sentence of anything that bad. Especially when you consider where I have come from. But you see it’s not the panic of life always being the way it is now… THAT would be fine. The PROBLEM is that I fear from where life is today that it would go BACK to where I WAS. That thought overwhelms me… causes me to not be able to breath…. That these little pains could turn into bigger pains, which turn into a bed ridden momma…. I get it now Melany… I get the fear.

I get that I want it all. I’ve been told it’s reasonable. I’ve been told that pain free IS a reasonable goal… and I want it! I’m so close in so many things… to so many of the goals I have set.

In the pool… my goal was to be able to swim a mile… I lost access to the pool ( which we fixed and I can get back in Monday.) but I was at 1300 and I want 1650 without pain… and ultimately I want to be able to go 3000.

I’m back in school… I have an 84% in my anatomy and physiology class… my stated goal is a B… but I REALLY want that A… Still have a bunch of tests left…. could go either way…

PT school – that A & P class is all that is between me and application… The powers that be will have to decide after that… but I am closer than ever.

weight – was 180 now 165… would like to be 150-155… just a little bit left to go… ( do you see the pattern forming here… just a LITTLE bit left to go….)

Recovery… Left on my to do list
ride a bike
go to classes at my local gym and NOT be bed ridden for a day or longer
scuba dive
NOT need bones moved around to not have pain….

On the far far far outside of maybe… be able to run 3 miles so I can run a 5k at Disney with my best girlfriend.

These may seem like little things… like I am asking too much post surgery – but they are the things that I want in my life. I want to know that I can be a PTA and go to work without needing tape, core-shorts, or other aides to get me through a long day on my feet.

I want to feel safe in my body… I don’t think anything is going to change that but time.

My PT told me today that we are going to work towards independence…. let’s just say I cried. I know he’s not leaving me in the cold… he told me today that most of my compensation patterns are gone… that my flareups are small and manageable… that if I need help it’s just a phone call away…. Yet I couldn’t help but panic. So much of my journey was on my own… managing myself… helping myself…. he has been a GODSEND. So that I didn’t HAVE to figure out on my own why this hurt or that hurt… or how to take care of this pain or that pain. Head, shoulder, knee or toe he has known how to fix it and get it stronger. There isn’t a much greater comfort than that.

I should be THRILLED that we are going to set out a plan for independence. But I’m scared…. As I said I seem to lose perspective these days…. and then as I was writing this my kids came home from school and my son showed me a project that he made. It said this:
MEET MY HERO:

My Mom
“She has inspired me to do things I would have never have done before.”

I instantly teared up, he gave me a huge hug and said, “Well, it’s true Mom!” There are so many times when I thought I couldn’t do something and you told me I could, or believed in me, or simply watching what you’ve done ( recovering this far from surgery) made me think I could if I just tried.”

Something to be said for the wisdom of my 10 year old… I think I should go gnaw on that…

37 weeks

Despair sucks… being lost sucks, and today I felt more lost than ever. Last night I couldn’t sleep, and was in more emotional pain than I have been in in a long time…. some physical pain, but at midnight I was still not asleep and I just kept crying… I grabbed pen and paper and started journaling through my tears. Here is what I wrote:

I’m laying on my bathroom floor at midnight. Crying…. crying a lot.

I’m tired of starting every pain sentence reminding everyone that I am better than before surgery and that it DID work… but that the muscle dysfunction takes as long as it takes… and that I am STILL working it out. I hate it because right now… in this very moment – I feel totally hopeless, completely hopeless. Like I have come to the end of this ride and this is it. This is the end and as good as it will get. But THIS ending… this ending has limitations. The ending has no point in going to school to be a PTA because my body can’t handle those demands. In the words of Erica Kane… ” THIS IS NOT THE ENDING I WANT!!!!” I have been trying to figure out why I am so shaken by my PT wanting to release me.
I wonder-

Does he think this is it? Just two weeks ago we were saying I wasn’t done yet- 6 days ago he was giving me the eww face on some adductors ( too tight)…. Did something change…. I have 12 weeks until insurance turns over again.. and 15 until I am 1 year post -op.. a lot changed in those first 12 weeks… can’t more change?

I feel stupid and naive for believing I would be 100% better. I feel even dumber for thinking that I could be a PTA and have a job that was really physical… I feel even dumber for thinking I could make a difference in this world. I hear the words of friends… that I should be thankful I am this functional… that I lucked out that my surgery worked… that maybe I am just asking too much…

Frankly I just want to take pain meds and not feel anything. No tight hips, no pain in the groin, no butt pain ever again for any reason… just pain meds… and no emotional pain either… just be doped up.

While it might not be reality, I feel like the only medical person that has ever believed 100% that I would be better is now saying goodbye to me and I have no idea what to make of that… it really doesn’t matter if his reasons are positive or not… the end result of them right now is that I feel lost and alone in finishing my treatment. Like I will have to be my own dr all over again… that I will have to search out every ache and pain and treat myself from here on out with out any guidance just like before. He says I can call if I ever need him.. yeah.. well… that feels right now like it would still be every Tuesday after class… I feel like his fine tuning is what keeps me from getting worse and allows me to do what I AM doing.

I can’t burn like that ever again- not all the time, not like that… I can’t I just can’t… i can’t afford massage or other types of intervention… I can’t ask my husband to do more than he is… all I know is I am totally panicked and I CAN”T feel that ever again… not that dysfunction… not that broken… no….

My hips burn tonight it’s new since massage and I hate it.. though my shoulder doesn’t hurt…

I think about all the conversations I have had with other patients… and I think… today… that there is no point to any of this… too many people are still in pain and it’s just all hopeless…
No point in more education for me. no point in me sharing what I’ve learned with others. no point in me hoping for more in my own recovery…

Maybe all this hope has been silly and I should just be thankful that I can walk to the mailbox and I can get around with minimal pain. Maybe that’s just as good as this gets and I never will get stronger… maybe my body isn’t’ ever going to even out and I’ll always be dysfunctional… maybe muscle imbalances can’t be corrected…. maybe those things at the last 10% of my list of “wants’ will never be reached… maybe I will always fall short of what I really wanted….

I’ve never been very good at accepting not good enough… maybe it’s time to learn….

Maybe I am all out of patience. Maybe I am all out of hope. maybe I am just having an intense PTSD moment that will pass once I get proper perspective….maybe I am just having a moment because I feel like my biggest cheerleader has said it’s the end of the line….

I know I need to talk to him, but I’m pretty sure that I won’t be able to do that without crying… again.

I’m still crying as I continue to write… tears have fallen continually… they haven’t stopped I am just trying to figure out hot to go it alone again… because the thing is… I won’t call… I’ll feel like a burden and an inconvenience and that he has given me all he can I am I just going to remain this % broken… so there is no point… I should buy the core shorts and huge rolls of kenesio tape and more ice bags and just get use to a life that includes those things for support forever… Ill just never live life without them…

It took 37 weeks to get here… but I think that I have finally given up hope. If I’m not so active and stop pushing so hard then any pain I do have I should be able to back it down and learn to live within the bars of my confinement. I just wish that I had stuck with my first hope… just hope for function…. don’t wish for too much,
It’s now 1:15 and I am still crying and I am not sure that’s going to stop any time soon….

37 weeks 2 days

“People cry, not because they’re weak. It’s because they’ve been strong for too long.”
I saw this post on facebook and of course cried again…. I have been strong through this whole recovery… hoping… putting one foot in front of the other and trying to stay focused on the end goal… better.. the most functional being I can be! I’m a planner… and a bunch of insecurity fed into the way I felt the other day… I KNEW in my heart of hearts my PT wasn’t giving up on me… but it was too hard to hold onto that through all the other frustration. I do want to be clear that in the above post all the fear is talking about treatment and life… I have an insanely supportive husband that I don’t talk about much in here… not everyone has someone to help out at home… and while he is THE most supportive and LARGEST cheerleader I have… I just try to leave him out of all this… it’s one thing for me to vomit my emotions and thoughts onto the internet, but he isn’t like that… and I have tried to respect that. So for right now I am just going to say that even the most amazing PT in the world, and all the support and healing that comes from good care, doesn’t hold a candle to the love and support of my man! But my man will tell you he can’t stretch me like a professional… BUT he will do whatever he can to help me have a better quality of life… and he has over and over and over. He’s my heart and soul and he married me knowing I was “broken” and has walked with me, and at times carried me all the way. So baby – thank you and I love you, forever!

So how did my freak out end…

Talking with my hubby and letting him tell me truth… that the shoe isn’t going to drop… that I just needed to talk with my PT about my fears and give him a chance to put HIS words on the situation and not just my fears. And that if on the rare and off chance I was being kicked to the PT curb then we would figure it out together. Journaling how I really felt… it helped to find the fear and figure out what I really wanted.
An encouraging phone call with my best friend who has seen me through hell and high water and knows just what to say EVERY TIME! You are a gift to me Jess and I have no idea what I’d do without you sister! Thanks for always speaking truth , even when I’m crazy!
A dear dear group of si friend that I interact with daily…. this group has held my virtual hand, spent hours on the phone with me, encouraged me, cheered me up, and been there for me…. there is NOTHING that can replace the support of this group of men and women that have walked this road with me and can speak truth to me…. and lastly…
The next day I calmly talked with my PT and told him what was going on in my head… and he straightened me out. He reminded me that I was strong, courageous and capable and in NO way does he think that I will end up bedridden again… that I have made far more progress than he ever expected before I left for surgery and that in his professional opinion he still believes that there will be a time, he’s not sure when, but there will be a time and I am totally pain free. He believes in me and my bodies capabilities far more than I do… And I simply told him I need to have a touch point and would appreciate going to 1 time a week for awhile in hopes of learning to trust myself and my body more before I go it alone. He was gracious enough to agree to that and we will work on a plan to work toward my final goals. The long and short of it… truth wins out again. Truth will always chance away the fear, and the lies, and let the light in…. but it takes work and practice to believe it.

I hate how chronic pain has changed me…. I believe that the effects of that too will change in time… as my body proves it is trust worthy, and I learn hour by hour and day by day that I am not going to turn into a pumpkin… again.

It can’t rain forever… the storm has to end.

37 weeks 4 days

Hips are done burning, phew, that was unpleasant! Hamstrings were REALLY tight after PT on Friday and sitting though many many many hours at the pool for the kids swim meet. (both kids did fantastic!) I folded like 6 loads of laundry while sitting on the floor awhile ago and didn’t hurt at all in the rear end area…. so that’s a god thing… shoulder pain though from all the folding! Hubby got me a gym membership so I am headed back to the pool this week. Hopefully tomorrow night while the kids are at practice!

BUT after my total meltdown there were so many encouraging things said to me I want to post them here so I never forget! Here we go:
Oh sweet Amy. I just read your most recent post. Don’t give up hope! I know you must be scared being “let go” from PT, and I do think you should talk to him to ease your mind and maybe your transition, but I truly believe that the biggest thing that the muscular dysfunction needs to correct itself is time. Plain and simple, unhurried, time. With time, I think you will be restored to full function, and be able to be a PTA, and swim to your heart’s content. I know along my journey I have hit countless plateaus, only to be followed by another break-through. Those plateaus are painful and scary, but what I am learning as I rest upon them in my discomfort is not to panic. To just give it time. As your blog is titled, “Firm Foundation”–you have that now. I will be praying for you. I pray you find that place of peace and knowing that all truly shall be well. Lots of love and hugs, KR

Amy, first, you are probably exhausted–mentally and physically. Second, it’s alright to be scared and disappointed and confused. You are still recovering AND you are going through huge adjustments in your life and are expecting to be perfect at every new thing you are doing. It was a hard, hard road that led you to where you are now. You are in a place that most of us haven’t yet been–you are one of the first to climb back up that mountain, nobody knows where the top is and nobody knows what looking back down will be like yet either. Breathe. Rest. Give yourself some time to process the PT changes and then figure out what next step is going to best for you. Thank you for being brave enough to not only climb the mountain, but to also share so many of your struggles AND your triumphs with all of us. AC

♥ as it had always been my friend, you are not alone. Thank you for your honesty in the blog. You have your sickle and you are blazing trail. Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest thru the trees. CM

We are all with you. My NS said it could take 5 years for a body to readjust to the change. Hang in there. BB

Amy I am going to preach to you what you have been preaching to all of those recovering from this surgery…it takes TIME! Even though you are 37 weeks post op and they say the “healing” time can be 6 months to a year, some may take a year and a half!!! You have come such a long way and don’t be scared that your body has stopped the healing process! You are headed in the right direction so stay strong emotionally, keep your fitness goals, and I have faith that in the future you will look back on these days and wonder why you were so worried! Keep your chin up girl! You are doing great 🙂 KD

ah Amy u made me cry to ,I’m sure u prob could just phone and explain ur not ready to fly free yet , but if he thinks u r spread those wings and jump xxxxwell done babe ur doing so good just having a little wobble AC

Amy – please know that you have provided more hope and education to complete strangers here on fb then all the doctors and PTs that I have paid all these years. I don’t know where I would be without this group, and you are a big part of this. I think you are taking on too much. Just being a mom wears me out, I don’t know how you do all you do. It is completely normal to have these panic attacks, sometimes I have them daily. Take care and God bless. SG

Amy, this is definitely a PTSD hole you have fallen into. Sending you some of the love and hugs and reassurance that you have been so good at sending out, to me and to so many others. Kick the Devil off your shoulder and tell him to shut-up !!!because you have already changed the lives of people in pain and helped point their way to less pain. God will lead us all step-by-step to show us where and what to do and to be.
We don’t have to figure it all out right now. And your PT will be there for you when you need him and you WILL call when you need to because that is what will stop the sliding backwards. It’s not ‘all or nothing’ but at some point it will be a weaning down to less intense PT. And then, it will be YOU , as PTA who helps others out of the pit of pain. ♥ KB

Amy it is skype time!!! Have that thing installed baby!! ♥ RR

‎Amy,Others know you much better than I and at first I thought I didn’t need to say anything because you have these friends who are close to you, but after reading the other comments I decided that no matter how well you know me or I know you, you have been a voice in my head. A voice that has honestly wanted the best for me as to not suffer as others have and although my comment may be taken with a grain of sand, I am still a piece of sand on this SIJD beach. I am amazed at how much you can do. Although your goals are much higher than mine, it helps me and others knowing that you are reaching far above what most of us would even consider doing. You are making a new life for yourself and your family. What your son told you is pure and honest and you need to listen to that. I have dealt with weight issues my whole life and as someone who has had to loose weight many times, you have hit a plateau. You are in a place that is so frustrating because you have seen the progress and now to stop is like a slap in the face. But change things up a bit and your body will start to fight once again to reclaim what is said to be, that you will be your normal once your body has been taught how to be normal. Amy you are a fighter, and everyone can see that, you have to find a way to stop depending on your PT and know that you are safe with you. Use your PT as a consultant, when you need to, IT IS OK TO CALL. You know in your heart that he wants you to get better and he is still there. It’s ok. It will all be ok. it will all be ok. It will all be ok. It will all be ok. Now take a deep breath. Blow it out. It will all be ok. God knows how to take care of what belongs to him. -CS

Without reading many of the comments, here is my comment. I used to be able to ride a bike a hundred miles with no problem whatsoever. But that’s not really true. The last ten miles is always a problem. It isn’t that the those last ten miles were all I was capable of, it was starting to watch the trip computer and thinking about how far it was to an intersection or that there was one more hill to climb. It all become more difficult because you just want it to be over. That’s why you see people collapse in the last 100 yards of a marathon. It’s a mental game we all play, even when dealing with recovering from SI surgery. My point is that you’re capable of more than making more than that last 10 miles. But sometimes that last hill just seems like it will never end but you’re capable of more than you believe. -SH

Having done 8 marathons, I can totally relate to what Scott says. I feel like right now I am only in the first few miles of this marathon known as sijd. But Amy, you just have to get MAD at it and push on!!! I am still discouraged that I’ve done no exercise, all the taping and corrections and am still in burning pain, but I push on, one day at a time, because I’m going to cross this finish line–you and so many others are my HEROES here–keep pushing–we can do it!!! -RB

Sweet Amy! Thank you for such a sincere write up, i feel your pain and i want you to keep strong, you are always here for us, answering our questions and helping were you can, i want you to know that we all care about you alot and are all here for you. After darkness comes light, and your right, storms never last, sometimes we can go so far down that the only way left is to go up. This condition can drag you through the depths of despair, so many ups and downs, so many emotions you never thought possible. With every fiber in my body i wish the best for you Amy! ♥

“Lost”

Lost
is a puzzle
of stars
that breathes
like water
and chews
like stone

Alone
is a reminder
of how far
acceptance
is from
understanding

Fear
is a bird
that believes itself
into extinction

Desperation
the honest recognition
of a false truth

Hope
seeing who you really are
at your highest
is who you will become

Grace
the refinement of a
Soul through time – YH

For Amy with love …..When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow–
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out–
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit. – YH


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *